Today was a day when I decided to check something out. I have been involved with God all my life, or should I say He has been involved with me. God is cool. He knows that we can't do the perfect life, that we will, inevitably, make mistakes. The problem for me were the other people who God was also involved with. Now I suppose that as God can put up with them and love them, it's not so good when I have problems. Nevertheless, through my life I've found that many church-going people are fine with you provided you follow the rules, however, if the mistakes you make in your life mean some of those rules get broken, then it becomes a different proposition. This at least has been my experience and it's resulted in my being put under pressure to conform to a set of rules that seem to be regarded as "one size fits all". The trouble is, we're such a set of different sized people, the rules seem to run out of stretch. This has resulted in me making decisions that have in fact made my life worse. I know that ultimately, I made the decisions, but they were made when I felt at all time lows and when I should have been encouraged to wait and get a better perspective. So it's my own fault that I made wrong choices, but I do feel sore from being given careless advice.
I needed to reassess what I felt about church, which involved me withdrawing and getting in touch with my beliefs, which weren't necessarily going to be in line with church rules. I've not been to church for about 3 years, but today I went. I didn't know how I'd feel about it, in fact I still don't know really. I went to the church in the village where I live .... very picturesque ..... The service was a family service with a well presented puppet show with enough action and humour to keep every one entertained and a clear message of god's love.
The people I spoke to were friendly and welcoming. It felt familiar.
Will I go back there? Probably. Will I become more involved with a church again? Maybe. I need to trust myself to be able to be strong and make the right decisions for me, then I can commit myself to being part of the church without fear of its taking me apart.
Hey Liz its great that you are taking these steps. I think that its a totally natural thing for us to mess up every now and then, God knows even before we do it that we are going to do it (if you know what I mean) so he prepares a lesson for us out of our experiences whether they be good or bad. The important thing here I believe, is to constantly make peace with God and not feel that we have to please the other Christians around us so much. If they have a problem with something we do, well that's up to them. But as long as our focus remains on Jesus and not on, for example, "how many times a month I attend church" or "is what I'm wearing acceptable to the church I attend" then we will have peace of mind. Jesus wants a personal relationship with each of us. He loves us more than we could ever possibly fathom and more. If we concetrate on spending quality time with him, we will begin to know exactly when he is speaking to us and also he will let us know if he is not so pleased with something that we have done or been involved in. Simply say sorry, learn, and move on. His grace is unmeasurable.
Posted by: Aaron | December 13, 2004 at 10:02
Thanks for your thoughts Aaron. It's strange how things work out. I have been away from church before, but returned and grown. This has been/is a big time of looking at my life and getting to know myself better. I know I've changed at a pretty deep level. I want that change to be reflected in my walk with God and with God's people. I think this will be the biggest challenge.
Posted by: Liz | December 13, 2004 at 22:57
Yes, if only we could pin church down to a place...I can only endorse what my son has written on this. He has obviously had some very good influences in his life!
Posted by: Tim the Enchanter | December 22, 2004 at 14:11
Hi Liz. Reading this is like lifting the lid off my own head right now. I too went back to church recently. A new church... well not new - very old really but - new to me. I sat and watched and listened and listened and watched. It was cold. No one spoke to me. The damp made me cough.The cough made it difficult to sing.
There were children. Gifted children playing light weight tunes with heavy duty instruments. I thought the church was blessed to have God moving through this congregation in this way. Comparisons were inevitable. Smaller... older...damper...colder... but the same god. The same feeling of peace. The same sense of quietude.
Afterward...people came. Curious. Questions asked. Some answers given. Promises to return. Maybe I might just.
Maybe it will be a while. Like you - I need time to think...time to be quiet.
Posted by: Jac | January 01, 2005 at 16:58
Thanks for sharing this. It took me 3 years to get to this point! Not gone back yet, but I do have the excuse of the intervening holiday. I hope you find yourself much more quicklier.
Posted by: Liz Marshall | January 02, 2005 at 01:00